God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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