Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
