I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
