Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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