Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
