Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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