The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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