drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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