You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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