I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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