break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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