My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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