Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
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i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.