Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
