If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
