He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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