Even the bartender felt bad for me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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