you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
