There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
