I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
