wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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