Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
