Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
