well you can't waste a boner
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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