the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is Oprah even human
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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