i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
