Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
