last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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