Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
