DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
