I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
