What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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