the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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