apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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