She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
