bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
