So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
