Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's blow job season.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
