how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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