i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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