Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
