Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
