anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
