We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
