Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Small penises have feelings too.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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