I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
