Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
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Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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