I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
