He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
