Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sarcasm needs its own font
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
