gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
