I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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