One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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