Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
