My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
