I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
