I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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