You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She bit a glass in half.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
