can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
