Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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