Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
