the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
