I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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