You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
